I'm fine.

 

I’m fine.

The most told lie in the English language. Used when someone is, in fact, not fine, but drowning in their sadness. They say ‘I’m fine because they don’t want to worry anyone about their problems, and it’s easier than explaining what’s wrong. (from Urban Dictionary)

 

For the past 2 months after the breakup, I just realized lately that I have been pretending that I am over my ex or the relationship. I was forced to put up a happy face, and show that my life is better. I thought I cried everything for the first days when he left me but I was too prideful and didn’t want to accept defeat. Honestly, I even made myself believe that I am really alright and I am already moving on.

On my birthday last April 12th, he left a birthday greeting on our server but didn’t send it directly. At that time I was feeling butterflies in my stomach and was secretly hoping that he still loves me or wants me back. When I look at it now, if he wants direct contact he would message me directly but didn’t so there won’t be any follow-up conversations. He never reached out to me. He liked a few Instagram posts but stopped doing so the 3rd week of our breakup yet regularly views my stories. I couldn’t openly post some stuff because I know he would see everything. I want to post something related to heartache yet looking pathetic in his eyes was the last thing I want.

 

 

Eventually, I found out that he is embracing the single life and loudly proclaiming to our mutual friends he is flirting with other girls. I heard he has a new girlfriend now and what’s more painful was how he interacted with this girl who pretty much became the reason for our relationship’s downfall. Last December, I made up my mind to cut him off completely since I can’t put up with his lies anymore. Stupid me gave him another chance on top of so many. It was never the same afterward though, I just hate him for what he did to me and I wait for the time that he would cheat fully. Part of me wishes he would just break up with me because I couldn’t.

I know he tried his best to prove his love and he messed up yet I can’t move forward. So after one big fight and me not accepting his apology, he told me that he needed space. After a day or so he wanted a serious talk about our relationship. That’s the time I knew it was over, he would break up with me. I talked to a close friend of mine which knows both of us and gave me some advice. I thought I can convince him to work things out once more but he doesn’t want me anymore nor see any future with me. During the call, I can’t even speak or utter words. I can hear the truth in his voice and it hurts so much knowing he meant everything. I asked him multiple times and it’s still the same. He wanted to leave me. End whatever we had.

 

 

After our call he left me a message, thanking me for everything and hoping that we can still support each other even though we aren’t together anymore. I thought I can be mature and move on even if I see his name on my social feeds daily or even in gaming. I thought I don’t care even if he purposely make it known that he is with a new girl or flirts with many but there’s too much my heart can take. I couldn’t accept that he moved on and I fell apart.

I tried to contain my feelings but last Tuesday I sent him some messages to vent out some things but even after receiving them (Messenger showed delivered) he ignored them. I’m pretty sure he saw yet decided not to reply. He was active online and at that time I realized, what’s the purpose of keeping in touch with someone who never was your friend and purposely ignores you. He was the one who wanted to support each other and I never wanted to remain in contact after the traumas I got from his bad treatment in the first place. After thinking and asking for advice from our friend who knows what we had, I made up my mind.

I deleted him from everything. I also wanted to leave the server I started with close friends since he regularly interacts with our friends there. As I write this, I am still conflicted. I want to spend time with friends yet it pains me to see him. He even changed his display photo of a girl who is most likely the new one. Only a couple knows about us but some have suspicions. It’s really hard to move on if I can still see him. I promised a friend to stay but I made up my mind. If April ends and I don’t feel any better with him staying, I will leave for the time being ‘til I am better. I am sure they will understand why if it happens.

A friend told me I should do what’s best for me. That’s what I keep in mind and why would I give a damn about what he thinks after everything? I should leave the negativity behind. Even it hurts like hell knowing how he moved on so fast, I have to feel it ‘til the sting stops.

SELF-HEALING

 

 

This is the hardest part. I am not sure how long would it take for me to heal and then get over him. I guess just like any other stuff I should trust the process. At least I did the first part which is detoxifying from his attention on social media. He might not even care at all about whatever I post or share so I should stop my brain from assuming he cares.

I am sad and I cry a lot but life goes on. I will just continue distracting myself and go out of the house as much as possible. I am having a hard time playing games even with friends because it reminds me of him so much. Funny thing, I renewed my Netflix subscription but can’t watch any since that’s what we did almost every night.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ― Joseph Campbell

 

 

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