Feeling the Sunshine

 

"Don't let the shadows of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow. Live for today." — Nandina Morris

 

The past week has been hard for me because I lost a friend and made me think about things from a different perspective. That person was more than a pal since we treated each other like family yet when I decided not to tolerate more of her bad decisions, it was easier for her to cut me off than to talk things through.

 

 

I want to go back to memory lane when we first met as a way of unloading heavy feelings and letting go. I will focus on the highlights since too many to mention for summarization. Also to protect her identity, let’s call her Maria. We encountered each other in February 2021 due to mutual friends. Surprisingly, we clicked right off the bat and felt like we’d known each other for a long time. We have the same hobby so we spent a lot of time together with our friends. There was a minor disagreement we had during the early days but we’ve managed to talk like adults and reconciled. I liked that experience because real friends are honest with one another even if it hurts.

 

 

A setback occurred for a short period when things were messy in terms of our relationships. I wasn’t on good terms with my boyfriend at that time (recent ex) and she tried to cheer me up along with her toxic boyfriend (her ex now too). We have a close friend who secretly likes me and attempted to get closer when he found out my ex wasn’t treating me well. I get along with them since it was a sincere effort but the guy who likes me ended up a psycho-stalker. He tried to force himself into my life despite knowing I am in a relationship and perhaps to retaliate, decided to make my friendship with Maria sour. That guy sort of said things to my side which were inaccurate and did the same thing to the other party. We found out eventually and it only made our relationship stronger.

Maria and I were inseparable, we were supportive in all things and we drew strength from each other. We faced many obstacles we thought impossible to overcome but knowing we have one another made it easier to exist. I appreciate her for accepting me for who I am and I did the same thing. I even tolerated most of her decisions because for me it’s her right and she’s an adult who knows the consequences of her actions.

 

 

She was in an on-off relationship with her toxic ex and they broke up almost the same time my ex and I took a break. That guy wanted Maria back and she gave him another chance but during that period she was cheating behind his back. I was like “he deserved” it but I am friends with this guy she was giving a chance. I felt really bad afterward because he genuinely liked Maria but she kind of used him to spite her ex.

Honestly, I can’t remember how many times I turned my face the other way around whenever she tries to play with other people’s feelings. She was in a relationship already but constantly keeps her options open by giving false hopes to other guys because she wasn’t sure or sometimes unhappy with her current partner. I tried to understand her perspective and at that period, I was thinking that she isn’t married yet and can decide which one she wants to be her end game so it was fine.

 

 

November 2021 came and her toxic ex decided to end their relationship, again. I was surprised she begged him to stay because she genuinely lost interest during the time they tried to work things out. Her ex was a sh*tty person and also started to flirt with others but for me, both of them did wrong. I wanted what was best for her so with a heavy heart, I gave her an ultimatum that she’ll lose me if she ever gets back together again.

I thought that maybe because of failed relationships and how bad the recent ex was as of this writing towards her, she kind of resorted to being the one who hurts than the one who will end up in the ditch.

 

 

 

I started to suspect Maria’s real intentions when earlier this year I encountered one of her friends from long ago. He started to tease her about the past and some guys who she probably had a thing as well. Then it was weird when she kicked him out of our Discord server. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because she told me so.

Things were more concerning when it involved my high school friend. I’ve noticed that they became closer and even spent time alone so for me it was becoming more. To my surprise, some drama unfolded which resulted in my friend leaving, and then there’s this other guy I barely interacted with hating Maria. In their defense, she’s prioritizing another guy and I was surprised that it’s our friend who is married and has a kid already. I thought it was nothing because she said that they were only playing games and nothing more.

 

Eventually, I found out that she and our married friend is already in a relationship. I talked her out of it before it becomes serious and she assured me it’s nothing like just a pastime. She’s aware it will mean nothing in the long run because her family will never accept that kind of relationship. Shortly, Maria informed him that she only wants to be friends and that the closeness they had should be forgotten. I am relieved beyond words and expected it was final.

Little did I know, they kept the relationship going. When I came back from my hiatus I was really surprised and she didn’t even keep me updated on what was happening. I sort of blamed myself for why she ended with that guy and why it seems she didn’t learn a thing or two from her toxic ex. I was going through my heartache due to my breakup with my ex-boyfriend so I had to be on my own for months and deal with the loss in my way.

 

 

I got used to seeing her and our married friend in an on-off relationship and at one point, I brought up the “ultimatum” card again so she’ll stop the nonsense. It didn’t work though because she made me accountable and guilty when I obliged her to do it with her ex and she won’t this time along with her incoherent reasons. I genuinely care for her so I respected her wishes. I’ve decided to let her be and do her own for the meantime because she kept saying she will leave that married guy with a child once someone “serious” comes along.

Two months passed since my comeback and we celebrated our first anniversary for Dotka PH. August was about to end and then Maria suddenly messaged that she has something to tell me. It was the bomb and I couldn’t stomach things she did.

 

 

Long story short, she repeated the same thing all over again. While in a relationship with the married guy, she cheated behind his back with another friend of ours. I was so fed up and sick that she purposely hurt people for her selfish reasons. As someone who experienced cheating, I can’t accept that behavior coming from a friend I treat as family. She explained her side so well and why it happened then I believed her. Again. I even cheered her up even though she was in the wrong because I thought it was an honest mistake and she regrets it.

What Maria did was so wrong and her boyfriend was completely clueless about what truly occurred and the other guy didn’t know I was aware. I don’t bother with relationship issues of my mutual friends because I am always neutral and it’s between them whatever happened. If they ask my advice or opinion then I try to be honest with my viewpoint.

 

 

September came and the hype for Dota 2 Battle Pass is intense even up to this day. I am in contact with our friends and it happened that I talked with this guy Maria cheated with recently. We were discussing stuff related to the game but he kept bringing her up. I ignored it but when he asked me if she mentioned anything I got fed up and said: “I know actually but duh I like you both so idc”. In my defense, I just want to move on with our lives and it doesn’t matter to me what transpired since they’re both my friends.

To my surprise again, all that she told me that happened was a LIE. I couldn’t even interact properly with our friend because I was crying as he unravel all the things Maria has done. I was naive to let my love blind me to her lies even though the red flags were always present. I just chose not to see them. Still, I couldn’t believe why she had to lie given I accepted and supported her with all her decisions may they be good or bad.

 

 

She sent me a message that same night if I have said things but I chose to sleep my anger first so I can think properly once rested. Morning arrived and it took me hours to compose my message so it’ll appear logical for her to understand and apologize.

I believe she read my message as soon as she woke up and replied emotionally. Instead of admitting her mistakes, she dug her grave deeper and revealed more lies I didn’t know. Maria even tried to make me the bad guy by gaslighting and not understanding her while all this time that’s what I’ve been doing. She thought I am against her and used the “depressed” card on me because why do I have to bring it up? Why does she think the world is against her and she’s the victim? She can’t even admit she has purposely hurt people and still she’s the damsel-in-distress in the end.

 

 

That guy friend is even right. He mentioned her life isn’t even f*cked up, she just purposely does f*cked up things that will ruin her. Thinking about it now, she came from an affluent family and afforded things middle-class folks couldn’t. She can skip work whenever she feels like it because of her dad and will never worry about money. I guess sometimes she can’t appreciate the good in her life because of a few wants she can’t get. If she wanted a stable relationship she could’ve but always chooses the ones who will hurt her. Reminds me of Maddie in Euphoria when she said “I’ll never find that kind of love…there’s no darkness, it’s just sweet. I don’t know if that will ever be enough for me…” truly sad.

Going back, she showed no regrets or remorse. It seems like she did nothing wrong and it appears to me that I’m the bad guy now that I can’t tolerate her sh*ts. Instead of talking things through, she wanted to stay away and then dropped the “you take care” to me. I replied and told her to backread when her thinking is alright and asked if it’s easier to cut off people even me who is important just because I can’t support the wrong things anymore. Then ended it by telling her if she’s decided then it pains me but what can I do if I can’t be a good influence in her life anymore.

 

 

 

I haven’t heard from her since then. She left and deleted me from her Steam list alongside all our friends, not gonna be a surprise to me if I’m deleted soon on all her social media. Now it appears to me I’m not that really important in her life and she only cared when I agree with everything be it morally wrong.

What’s worse? She reconnected with that toxic ex recently even though she’s still in a relationship with the married guy. I guess me being not around anymore unleashed the beast. I want to reach out even after all the lies because it’s obvious she’s self-sabotaging and needs help yet my gut tells me not to.

 

 

A lot of our friends avoided her and most stayed friends with me despite their bad blood with Maria. She does things that hurt people and don’t think about the consequences. I can’t count how many times she made new Discord accounts, even made new Facebook just to remove people and she’s always the victim even though she’s the one with issues.

It’s becoming clear now we aren’t the problem but her. She’s like a rot that slowly spreads and affects others and won’t be stopped unless completely cut off. I ain’t a goody-good person and I’ve done mistakes in my life but what she constantly does baffles me. I can’t comprehend how some folks hurt people without feeling guilty.

 

 

 

As much as I want to reach out and be that real friend, I don’t think she can be helped unless she wants to change on her own and reflect on her shortcomings. I have hopes that one day she’ll realize because it’s sad to think if she will be alone. 

 

This is goodbye, Maria. I guess this is it for me. You take care.

{DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the gifs}